Continued Reflections On This Year and Anti-Asian Racism

I could go on for a long time about this year but this post will be a shorter one. Frankly, recently, I'm still always feeling exhausted. I thought that after my school year ended, I would be able to rest and refresh a bit. I'm still waiting for that to come, but we're going back to school in no time... And that's scary to me. I don't know if I'm ready to put my armour back on and keep fighting. But I will. Anyway, I wanted to share something I've been thinking about recently.

The other day I met up with a friend for lunch. We walked around, I asked about their family, and of course we talked a bit about all the anti-Asian racism that has been happening this year. My friend said that they felt scared to leave the house. I said I felt the same way.

When I came home, I was telling my dad about it. About how other people I know have been feeling that way. About how I have been feeling that way all this year. I told him about when I was walking around in Ontario back in March the day following the Atlanta shooting.

The day following the Atlanta shooting, I thought I could attend my Zoom dance class. Emotionally, I thought I could do it. I spent the entire previous day in bed after seeing the news. I couldn't do anything. I was confused. I was angry. Throughout that first day I got some very kind text messages and emails but didn't want to vocally talk to anyone who couldn't understand what my community was going through. Anyway, the next day, I decided that I could go to my classes. I showed up to my Zoom class and the instructors were talking about Cats, a musical I hate because of the history of racism within it (article linked here to read more on that). They were also talking about "the good ol' days" of working in the (abusive) theatre industry. Mind you, both of these instructors were white, and for me and others, being a BIPOC in theatre right now is already incredibly infuriating, and I didn't want to hear about any of this. Especially not at this time. Oh, and this class also happened to be on St Patrick's Day, so people were coming into the class with smiles on their faces saying "HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!!!" While I was feeling emotionally damaged and generally afraid and angry at the world.

Anyway, a thing happened in class, and most of the class - one of the instructors included - seemed to be completely oblivious as to what had happened the day before. What had impacted my entire community. I started crying, I left the class, called my friend and went out for a walk. As I was on the phone with my friend, this car was pulling up and these older white women started calling for my attention. My immediate reaction was fear. I was scared I was going to be on the receiving end of a hate crime or verbal abuse. The friend I was on the phone with, also a BIPOC, was also scared for me. The interaction with these older white women in the car was fine. They were friendly. They were just a bit lost on the way to an appointment and had asked me to help with directions. I attempted to give these ladies helpful directions (note: I'm not good with directions), and they drove off. I continued to walk around the neighbourhood near my apartment while my friend and I talked about how messed up it was that our immediate reactions in this situation were fear. She said she was glad she was on the phone with me at that time in case anything bad or racist happened.

All this to say, this year has been difficult. This year has taught me to be cautious and aware, and a tad fearful, but also to be vocal, confident, and to stand up for myself. It has been an opportunity to create and find communities. For me, I've been finding these communities with the BIPOC folks around me, as well people online. (And of course finding community through BTS and ARMY.)

To all my BIPOC friends, this year has been a mixed bag of good and bad. Good because people are finally starting to acknowledge the problems that have been around forever and are actually starting to take action. Bad because the attention has only come because of the combination of major tragedies and a global pandemic. To my BIPOC loves, please take care of yourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. You are valued, you are worthy. We are stronger together. We are on our way to building a better world.